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Multiple Identities

Part 3
By: Tato

Anik sat in the Galley of "The Christa", extremely bored.  Herb had 
been calling them non-stop, and it was getting tiring.  What was the 
point?  Were they supposed to think he was ATTRACTIVE?  He was far 
from it!  She hated looking at him! If there was only a way to get a 
message without a vision of him.  The intercom spoke.

"Hey, Anik, your boyfriend is on."

"Oh great, Herb called again??"

"Yeah.  I feel sorry for you.  I mean, that he likes you and all."

"I know," she groaned.  "I'll be there....unless an accident hits, if 
I'm lucky."  Anik got up and headed to the Command Post area.  She 
entered.  

"Hello Anik," Herb said with a grin.  

"Bozo the clown!!" she said pointing to the large screen.  "I'm afraid
of clowns!  Help, help, an ugly clown on the screen!!!  Aaaah!!"  Anik
grinned as she saw the angry Herb flare with hatred.  [authors note:
I have nothing personal against clowns. I, personally, love them.  I 
want to become a professional clown as a carreer.  But a lot of my 
friends are scared of them.]

Herb then resumed his normal look of stupidity.  "Hello CASES!! And 
how are we today?" Herb said happily.  

"'We'?" Walter questioned.  "How many people do you have in your 
head?"

Laughter could be heard throughout the crew.  

"Ha ha, you're SO funny," Herb said as his expression turned nasty.  
"Very funny for someone whose show is being defeated.  You're going 
to regret ever DOING the show."  

"Is that just YOUR opinion, or is it BOTH of your opinions?" Paige 
added with a giggle.  This caused more uproarous laughter.  

"Yes, Herb," Rahi said in a sincere voice.  "How are WE doing today? 
Did the men in the white coats come for US yet?"

"Stop it, stop it, stop it!" Herb shouted, jumping up and down much 
like a five year old would during a temper tantrum.  

"Ooh!!  Herbie has a tantrum!!" Jewel stated, quite amused.

"All right, that's ENOUGH!!"

The crew stopped laughing, but still had mocking grins on their faces.
They did have a canceled show, but they could say anything they wanted
now.  

"I only wanted to drop a line to--"

"Pick it up again?" Rebecca asked  sarcastically.  

"LET ME SPEAK!!  I wanted to....call....to read your mail."

"Horray!" Rahi said through the silence.  It remained quiet, and 
Rahi's heart sank and the crew hadn't even gotten his joke.  

Herb pulled out a letter and started to read it.  "'Dear Mister 
President.  I think you are mean to take Space Cases away.'"  Herb 
looked up and gave a sarcastically sad face then burst up laughing.  
Cary only rolled her eyes.  

"We didn't listen to you to hear your goofy laughing, just get on with
it," Cary said bitterly.  

"In good time, my dear."

"I have a husband, so stop hitting on me."

Herb rolled his eyes and grabbed another letter.  "'Dear Mister Herb. 
I hate Space Cases.  That--'  Oops!!  Grabbed the wrong letter!!"  
Herb set it aside with many others.  

"Wait a second!" Paul said halting Herb.

"Yes?"

"I want to hear the ones who hate it."

Anik, Kristian, Paige, Cary, Walter, Rahi, Jewel, and Rebecca turned 
to Paul in utter shock.  Paul only gave them a look, and turned back.

"Paul," Anik whispered through her teeth, "what are you DOING?"  

"Mute 'im," Paul said motioning for Paige to carry out his command.  
She did so and turned to Paul.  

"Look, chances are, little kids who dont know anything wrote those 
hate letters, or maybe Herb himself wrote them.  Maybe they could be 
fakes.  Either way, we have to see what they hate about the show."

"Good idea," Anik said with a nod.  

Cary rolled her eyes but agreed. 

Paige then unmuted Herb.  

"Like I said before, we would all like to see those letters."

"You do?"

"Yes."

"Well, instead of me reading them, that could take all day--"

"Well, not to worry, Herb.  After you pass the second grade, it gets 
easier," Anik said as if she were talking to a small child.

"You're not funny.  Goodbye Cases.  You'll recieve those letters 
soon."  The screen faded.  

No sooner had the screen flashed back to the stars, then a buzzer went
off.  

"What's that?" Cary asked curiously.  

"Oh, the mail.  I'll go get it," Rahi said with a grumble.  

"I'll go too," Kristian said rolling his eyes.  

"So will I," Paul voiced in.  

Paul, Kristian, and Rahi walked away to the airlock.  When they got 
there, they discovered two very large bags lying in the airlock.  

"Oh great," Kristian said shaking his head.

"That many people hate us?" Rahi asked, very much surprised.  

"Naw," Paul said quickly.  "Herb probably wrote most of these."  
Kristian and Rahi cracked a smile and heaved a bag into the air where 
they caught grip of it.  Paul got ahold of the other.  They slowly, 
but surely, made their way to the Command Post area where the others 
were lounging out in.  

* * * * * *

"Oh my gosh," Jewel murmured as she caught sight of the two large and 
heavy looking bags.  Kristian, Rahi, and Paul dropped the bags and 
swung their arms around, trying to cool them off from the pain and 
strain flowing through them.  

"Let's get to work," Walter said opening the bags up and letting 
letters flow out.  

"First, let's look for unrealistic names in them," Cary suggested. 

"Good idea," Anik said with a nod.  Each person took armfuls of 
letters and looked at the return adresses.  


An hour later....

Kristian and the others were now reading the mail.  They had gone 
through several letters that only made them laugh.  People who had 
"written" had names like David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Dean 
Erickson, Brad Pitt, Leonardo Dicaprio, John Cleese, Eric Idle, Shawn 
Colvin, Paul Simon, and many others.  It wasn't only the names that 
were of famous actors and singers, but they claimed to be at the age 
of 5.  There was another stack of letters who had strange names that 
were unheard of, but in the exact same handwriting as Herb's.  Those 
were tossed aside.  They had finally narrowed the letters down to, at
most, 30 letters.  They began reading them out loud to eachother for 
either amusement, or for constructive criticism. Mostly, for 
amusement.  

"EW!!!" Paige shouted out as she skimmed through another letter.  

"What is it?" Kristian asked glancing up from the one he had been 
reading. 

"Kristian, it's about US!!"

Kristian gave an obvious look.  "Duh, that's what hate mail is about."

"No, you and ME!"

This struck Kristian's interest.  "Well, read it then."

"No, you better come here."

Kristian, even MORE curious, did so.  He got himself up, and raced 
over to where Paige sat.  He then plopped down beside her and began to
read.  Kristian's eye brows immediately went up, and he backed away 
from the letter, as if disgusted.  "Ah, I see."  He got back up, not 
saying anything, and returned to his spot. 

"What does it say?" Walter asked as he unsuccessfully tried to open 
another letter.

"Um....no comment," Kristian said shaking his head.  [authors note:
what the letter "said" was something that someone DID say.  It was 
DISGUSTING, so if you, the reader, want to know what it says, ask me.]

Walter just looked at Paige and Kristian strangely, then returned to 
his attempts of opening the envelope.  

"Hey, listen to this!" Anik said with a laugh.  Everyone looked up to 
her.  "Ahem.  'Dear Herb.  I hate Space Cases.  I especially hate the 
one with the Eaty monster!'"  Everyone chuckled a bit.  

"Hey, save that one for Herb.  We gotta show that one to him," Walter 
said laughing.  

"Right.  To think that some of the most hated episodes are the ones 
that Nickelodeon messed with," Rahi said with a laugh.  

"Ow!" Cary shouted in pain.  "ANOTHER paper cut!"  

Paul took a bandaid and threw it at Cary.  

"Thanks," she grumbled miserably.  She winced as she put it on.  

Jewel chuckled to herself.  This had been the fifth paper cut Cary had
gotten, and it seemed quite funny to her.  She opened another letter 
and glanced at it.  She then sighed heavily.  "Kristian, another 'fan 
mail' for you....MISTER Radu."

Kristian grinned and took the letter that was handed to him.  He read 
it, then started to cuss under his breath.  He then put the letter to 
the side with several other ones.  "Out of all of you, I think I'm the
worse off!" he stated.  

"Why?  What'd it say?"

"Nothing, nevermind," he said bitterly, returning to his reading.  

"Come on, just tell us," Rahi pleaded. 

"It's not important!"

"You KNOW it has to be bad if he wont show us," Anik said in a teasing
sort of way.  

"It's not BAD!! Cant I just be frustrated for NO REASON?"

"No," everyone said in unision. 

Kristian rolled his eyes.  "Geez, and to think I have to be stuck on 
this blasted ship with you guys for the rest of my life. I'd rather be
....be....on a crappy abduction video with fake aliens!!"  [authors
note: I, personally, didn't think that "Alien Abduction:Incident in 
Lake County" was crappy at all. I absolutely adored it.  But SOME 
people didn't like it, and that's their opinion of it.]

"All right, FINE.  I'll read it," he said snatching the letter in his 
hands.  He sat up and began to read.  "'Dear Hirb.'  Oh, they spelled 
his name wrong.  'How are you doing?'  Ask Herb, you little 
pipsqueak."

Paige tried to contain her laughter.  

"'I dont like Space Cases.  I really dont like that guy with the big 
ears.  He's mean.'" Kristian continued.  "'His ears look like cinammon
rolls.  They're huge!  And what kind of mop does he have on his head?
Whatever planet he came from, he should go back.'"  Kristian slammed 
the letter down.  

"That person thinks your character is mean?" Walter said in disbelief.

"Apparently so."

"Hey, I'm the one with the show-off, big-mouth character."

"Yeah, and my character is the rude, mean, and inconsiderate one," 
Rebecca stated.  "Not yours.  Hey, SUZEE might not go with you, she 
needs an idiot like HARLAN, but I'd sure love to date your character."

Kristian grinned and lay back down on his stomach grabbing another 
letter.  

"Rahi, I think you have an admirer," Walter said chuckling a bit.  

Rahi snatched the letter and started reading.  His mouth dropped open
in shock and she slammed the letter down, bringing extreme pain to his
hand.  "Well they can go--"

"What does it say?" Kristian asked, with sudden interest.  This time 
it was HIS turn to be smart.  

"Nothing."

"Ah now, it must be SOMETHING."

"No, it's not."

"Come on, I read mine!"

"Okay, fine.  'Dear Mister Herb.  What's wrong with that wishbone boy 
on Space Cases?  He looks like he tried to get surgery, and something 
went horribly wrong!!  And why does he have that stupid wishbone on 
his head?  It makes him look like a bug!  I hear he's from Uranus??  
Is that true to?  I know the sun DEFINITELY doesn't shine there, he 
doesn't need to point it out to me.  The sun is probably AFRAID to go 
there with THAT face!  Keep the show off, for all our sakes.'"  Rahi 
slammed the letter down and glared at Kristian.  He looked down, 
trying not to meet his eyes with the infuriated Rahi's.

"Gee, I'm sorry," Rebecca said containing her laughter.  "I haven't 
recieved any bad comments with my character."

"That's because she's a sleaze."

"WHAT?"

"Nothing."

Rebecca eyed Walter carefully, then returned to her reading.  

"All I hear is that I'm some sort of raddish or something," Paige 
groaned.  "I'd like to see THEM try and put on that makeup!"

"Well, let's just get reading," Paul said as a reminder that they had 
a mission to complete.


Several hours later....

Kristian, Anik, Walter, Cary, Paul, Jewel, Rebecca, Paige, and Rahi 
were on their last batch of letters.  

"Okay guys, you HAVE to hear this," Krstian said, extremely tired, but
amused. "'Dear Space Cases.  I think your show is icky, stupid, 
stumpy, it smells, and it stinks.  Hahahahahahaha.'"  Kristian looked 
up to catch a glimpse of each of his comrades' responses.  

"ICKY?" Cary asked puzzled.

"Did they make a joke that I missed?" Rebecca voiced out.  

"What in the world did they mean by 'stumpy'?" Anik said, also 
completely puzzled.  

There was silence throughout the crew, then hysterical laughter.

"Hey, save that letter. I want to write back to that kid," Paige said 
through giggles.  

"Same here," Rahi said raising his hand up slightly, to show his 
opinion. 

"Man, that's TOO good," Walter said shaking his head.  "How many more 
letters do we have to go through?"

"One left!!" Jewel said holding up the final letter.  

"Yes!!" everyone chorused together.  Jewel opened the letter and 
noticed it to be surprisingly long to the other letters.  She skimmed 
through it, unintentionally keeping the others in suspense.  "Ugh..."

"What does it say?" Walter asked impatiently.  

"Ahem.  Okay, this is adressed to all of us."

Each person could feel knots being tied in their stomaches as they 
waited longer for her to read it.  She began.  

"You ready?  All right.  'This is to the space cases crew.  You guys 
cant act.  You're all ugly and really cheesy.  Your show should get 
canceled.  It has no point.  It's a copy of star trek, which I also 
hate.  It's stupid, and it sucks.  I hope your ship crashes and you 
die.'"  

Kristian sat wide eyed and opened mouthed.  "I cant believe it!  Wow, 
that kinda hurt!"

"Well, geez, that's what we get for working on a show I guess," Paige 
said after she had gotten over the utter shock of it all.  

"Well, that's the one thing they NEVER think about.  The people who 
hate Space Cases dont even THINK how the actors feel," Paul said with 
a sigh.  

Each person silently nodded.  

"Ah and how are....you today?" a voice came from the screen.  Jewel 
looked up and rolled her eyes as she saw his ugly mug on the screen.  
"What do you want?" she asked sharply, precise, and to the point.  

"I only wanted to see how your mail went."

"Well," Walter said getting up, "we excluded the ones you wrote, Herb.
That was a waste of our time.  But you sure did write a lot!!  We also
excluded bogus names of 5 year olds who are stars.  So the very few 
that were given to us were very juvenile, and we thank you for sending
them to us."  Walter grinned.  

He could see the steam coming from Herb's head.  Walter laughed as he 
saw the steam rise, and the smoke alarms going off.  

"Oh great, Herb's mad!!" Noah said getting a fire hose.  

"He's gunna blow!" Cindy stated, also preparing the hose. 

"Ready!!" Shelby shouted.  "Aim!!  FIRE!!"  

A blast of water burst through the hose, and sizzling could be heard. 
Walter and the others only stared at the amazement.  Walter finally 
cut the communications.  	

"Wow, he looked mad."

"Tell me about it," Paul said with a groan.  

"Oh, what do we do NOW?" Paige said to no one in particular.  

"I dont know," Kristian said in almost a whisper.  "I just hope those 
fans are  writing.  That's what we really need now."

To Be Continued...
Stay tuned for part 4!

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